You drove what now?!  One of those?  Oh dear...

Just as most of us have a psycho ex-girlfriend or two in our past (sorry ladies), most of us have some shocking motors lurking around in their car owning  histories.  The proverbial skeleton in their mototing closet.  For example, Harry Enfield once admitted to having owned a Vauxhall Cavalier Cabrio (go Google it, hideous crap box of a thing, designer should have been flogged).  Even well known motoring chaps such as Jeremy Clarkson have some mingers...oh, wait...no, Clarkson ACTUALLY has a pretty impressive motoring resume.  But anyway, my point is that even people who have some relatively pleasing metal sitting in their driveway have probably had at least one hateful shitbox somewhere in their past.

Since no one knows who I am and therefore won't let me interview any celebrities (there will come a time, Jay Leno, mark my words...) the idea behind this page is for you lot to use the contact form at the bottom to send in your histories, comment on each other's, and generally poke some fun.  In the interests of equality and leading by example I shall start things off...

Oh, and before I forget, yes, I did get the idea from the "Star In A Reasonably Priced Car" slot on Top Gear.  And yes, I am being quite shameless about it.  Mark Zuckerberg steals other people's ideas, so why can't I?   

Car Number 1 - not a promising start...1981 Mitsubishi Colt Mirage
I was 17, newly possessed of a drivers license, and this was all I could afford.  It wasn't a bad car, per se; it got me where I needed to go, it didn't break down and it was cheap to run.  It ended it's brief time with me in the middle of a field in the Yorkshire Dales, surrounded by bits of dry-stone wall and some rather surprised looking sheep.  'Nuff said.

Car Number 2 - ah, now we're getting somewhere...1982 VW MK1 Golf GTi
The daddy of all hot-hatches - the original and, if you ask me, best Golf, it was light, very chuckable, and very simple.  VW's attempts at hot Golfs since this one have been somewhat lukewarm by comparison and always seemed hamstrung by two things - they got fatter, and they got more complicated.  This is, if ever I saw one, a case of progress not always being a good thing.  The first and greatest hot hatch, and there will always be a special place in my heart for it.

Car Number 3 - what?  From a Mk1 GTI to THIS?  Why in the name of...1992 Suzuki Swift
My beloved Golf had to go the great scrap yard in the sky after a delivery lorry rear-ended me at the lights on Tolworth Broadway near the junction with the A3.  Short on cash (3rd party only insurance was a BIG mistake) and in need of some wheels as I started out on a short lived and utterly inglorious army career, I bought this from a mate.  And no, I still have not forgiven him.

Car Number 4 - ooohh, Frenchie...1998 Peugeot 306 GTi6
Mine was actually Diablo Red, but regardless of colour, this, in my humble and oft shouted opinion, is the last Pug of any merit.  Decent amount of grunt, sharp handling, and a wonderful propensity for lift-off oversteer made this a joy to drive.  Didn't look too shabby either.  Subsequent efforts from Peugeot have been lacklustre at best, and positively horrid at worst.


Car Number 5 - wife got knocked up...2003 Renault Laguna Touring
Bought one of these because my dad had one and I liked it, and also because wifey was up the duff.  To be honest it wasn't a BAD car, just wasn't too good either.  I mean, it looked okay, had a nice interior, and loads of space for buggies and things, but had the build quality of a mud hut.  Everything broke, including the instrument cluster, which meant the mileage got reset, which meant no one wanted to buy it from me when I moved overseas.  Bugger.

Car Number 7 - relocate to North Carolina, wife wants SUV...2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland
With 80k on the clock I bought this at the worst possible time - auto boxes on these things tend to stop changing gear right around that point, and at 85k that's exactly what mine did.  Closely followed by the fan clutch, water pump and the fuel pump.  All of which was a shame, because like the Laguna it wasn't actually that bad, and was great the few times I took it off road.  The interior was dated but well equipped and comfy, and the 4.0 straight six had plenty of grunt.  The awful reliability, though, is the main reason why I will never buy another Chrysler product.  Ever.

Car Number 8 - still have Jeep, but daddy needs a toy...1987 Chevrolet Camaro LT
Make as many mullet, redneck and murderer related jokes as you like, but this car was a huge amount of fun, especially with the t-tops off.  When I picked it up it needed work, a lot of work, so armed with nothing more than some Airfix building experience and a  Haines manual I got started.   A few months later it had brand new brakes and shocks all round, a re-conditioned 350 sitting up front, a 6-speed manual and twin Flow-Masters to compliment the mags and louvres the previous owner had fitted.  Redneck, loud, and fun.  Sadly it is also now gone - changing circumstances meant I could no longer justify having a money-pit of a project car (that pic was taken just before I had to let it go).

Car Number 9 - got divorced, decided to celebrate new found irresponsibility...2006 Pontiac GTO 6.0
Would a Monaro VXR by any other name sound as sweet?   Well, actually, yes, thanks largely to Flow-Masters, a performance air-filter kit and some ECU remapping.  This has everything I want in a car - it's simple, it's got plenty of go (400bhp/400lb ft as standard), it sounds absolutely brutal, looks awesome in black (my favourite colour for a car), it actually handles surprisingly well and it really pisses off Mustang, Carrera 2 and M3 drivers when they try to get a bit racey at the lights.  It makes my daily commute less bothersome and makes weekend blasts across county huge amounts of fun.

Car Number 10 - got married again, wifey #2 wants a minivan...oh dear God...thankfully still have the Goat...2004 Nissan Quest SE
Once, a long time ago, I swore I would never actually drive in, much less own, a minivan.  Funny how fate has a habit of making you eat your words.  To be fair it's actually great for a family - it has tons of space, bloody great big arm chairs in the first two rows, seats seven, has a full entertainment system for the kids, and to top it all has that rather nice Nissan 3.5l V6 pulling it along.  Mind you, it needs it, sodding thing's huge and handles like Saint Paul's Cathederal.